


I Am Inimitable

by musicaltvbooks



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Burr-centric, Death, Gen, I've been having too many Burr feels lol, Suicidal Thoughts, no happy ending, so many feels here u guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 19:50:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10043438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicaltvbooks/pseuds/musicaltvbooks
Summary: It's been 78 years since Burr's parent's died, 42 years since his wife had died, 32 years since he shot Alexander Hamilton, and 24 years since he got the news that his daughter was lost at sea. Now Burr is dying and he's reflecting on everything that has happened in his life up to this point.Alternatively titled The 5 Times Aaron Burr Wanted to Die and the 1 Time He Did.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I know that Burr technically died of a stroke, but I have no idea how to write that so let's just pretend that he died of old age.
> 
> Disclaimer: Thoughts of suicide, mentions of the duel, breakdowns, and death. Proceed with caution.

Aaron Burr was dying. Nobody had told him, but he knew. Then again, it wasn't hard to tell. He could feel his body start the slow process of shutting down, organ by organ. It didn't scare him. If anything, he felt relieved. He had been waiting for this moment for so long since he wasn't strong enough to act on his wishes to die. He never had been. If he had, maybe all of his loved ones would still be alive. Alexander might even still be alive now, still doing good things for this country. Burr had always been jealous of Hamilton, especially once Hamilton seemed to do everything right, getting the top spot in everything, all while Aaron was pushed to the back.

~~~~~~~~~~

_"Burr, close the door on your way out." Aaron walked away dejectedly. Of course Washington had preferred Alexander over him. It seemed everyone did._

_Burr paused when he passed by the tent with all the weapons in them. It wouldn't be too hard, and it'd look like an accident. All he'd have to do is trip over something, maybe light a match. Burr shook his head. He was overreacting. And besides all that, he couldn't deprive his fellow soldiers of weapons._

_He'd give himself till the end of the war. If he still wanted to go through with it, then at least they wouldn't need the ammunition as urgently anymore._

~~~~~~~~~

Really, if he was going to pinpoint the exact moment when this wanting to die nonsense had started, it would probably be when his parents had died, 78 years ago.

~~~~~~~~~

_"Mother? Mother!" Aaron was yelling, he knew he was, but he couldn't stop. His mother wasn't moving, she wasn't breathing, but she wasn't dead either, right? He felt hands gently land on his shoulders._

_"I'm sorry, Aaron. She's dead." Aaron didn't even register who said it, all of his focus was on his mother. She couldn't be dead. She promised. After Father had died, she had promised that he would never be alone._

_"-tell his siblings. This is news no child should have to hear." Aaron suddenly calmed. His sister. Father had always told him to take care of his sister, especially since she was the more emotional of the two. He had to stay calm for his sister. He had to ignore the urge to scream, to grab that knife one of the doctors had and slash it everywhere, not caring if he killed himself. He didn't care if he died. The only thing that mattered was making sure his sister didn't feel any of what he was feeling._

~~~~~~~~

Burr had been able to keep the urge to die at bay for a while, though now that he thought about it, maybe that urge was why he signed up for the army so quickly.

Of course, the urge was even more suppressed when he met Theodosia. His beautiful wife. He had truly never lived until he met her. He was so grateful for Hamilton's advice to go after her.

Even though their marriage was cut off too soon, Burr was always grateful for the time they had spent together. But then, when she had died, then wasn't a great time for him.

~~~~~~~

_Aaron was in shock. His wife, whom he had only been married to for a short time, is dead. He would never get to see her captivating eyes again, he would never get to hear her sing in the early hours of the morning again. He would never see her again._

_He walked out, not caring where he went. How much time had it been since he got the news? An hour? Two? A day? A week? A month? Time no longer had meaning for Aaron. After all, what's the point of keeping time when the love of your life wasn't there._

_Eventually, he started recognizing his surroundings. Everything that he saw made his heart ache for Theodosia. The bar where they had gone when they first moved here. The park where they first took their daughter. Her favorite store. Everything he saw reminded him of her. It was making him sick._

_Somehow, he ended up doubled over in an alley. There was a puddle of vomit directly underneath his head. When had that gotten there? Hey, looks like his face was getting acquainted with the floor. Why was he here again?_

_"Aaron Burr, sir?" Aaron groaned. He didn't feel like talking to Alexander. Why was that again? Then he remembered. His wife had died._

_"Are you okay, Aaron?" Why was Alexander still here? Aaron had made it very clear that he didn't want to talk, didn't he?_

_"Well, yes you did, but I'm worried about you Burr. Why are you curled up in an alley next to a puddle of vomit, miles away from your home?" Had Burr been talking aloud? And what did Alexander mean 'miles from his home'? Burr had been minutes from his home._

_"Burr, what's wrong?" Aaron had never heard Alexander talk in such a gentle manner. Suddenly, all his feelings that he had kept cooped up overwhelmed him, and before he knew it, he was sobbing in Alexander's arms and telling him everything._

_To Alexander's credit, he kept his mouth shut. He only spoke after Aaron had finished, saying that Aaron should join his family for dinner._

_When they got there, Alexander left Aaron alone, presumably going off to tell his wife about what had happened._

_Aaron stared into the roaring fireplace. Oh how easy it would be to touch it, end his suffering. And the fireplace poker, well, that would be so easy to trip on, make it seem like an accident. He was so close to doing it, when Elizabeth Hamilton walked into the room and immediately engulfed him in a hug._

_Aaron knew then and there that he wouldn't be killing himself, not in the presence of a woman as kind-hearted as Elizabeth Hamilton. He couldn't do that to her._

~~~~~~~~~~~

Things had gotten a little bit better after that. Burr didn't think about killing himself often, and he spent as much time as he could at the Hamilton house, just basking in the warmth that it seemed to give off.

Then he had to go and mess everything up. Burr just had to go and shoot Hamilton.

~~~~~~~~~

_Aaron was walking through the streets, not really heading in any particular direction._

_"Hey, you Aaron Burr?" The words were barely similar to the first thing Hamilton had said to him (and he was Hamilton now. Burr had lost the privilege of calling him Alexander.), but they still made him flinch. "I'll take that as a yes. You better hide, sir. From what I hear, Mrs. Hamilton's looking for ya."_

_Burr just numbly nodded. He didn't really care whether or not Mrs. Hamilton found him. Maybe she'd give him a way out of this horrible life he had built for himself._

_He headed for a pub. The same one that he and Hamilton had had drinks in, all those years ago. It's funny, it barely feels like yesterday when that had happened. And yet, look at him now. Having killed his best and only friend, the same one who consoled him after his wife had died. God, Aaron was such an idiot._

_He opened a tab. Maybe if he drank enough, he'd get alcohol poisoning and die._

_He'd gone through two pints of beer when the door slammed open and in walked Mrs. Hamilton. Well, Burr says walked, but it was more like she was a predator, stalking her prey. Burr supposed that's what he was. Mrs. Hamilton's prey. He wouldn't be too surprised, in fact, he rather welcomed it. Being prey meant you'd eventually be put out of your misery._

_"Aaron Burr." By god, her voice wasn't even mad. It was just tired. She sat down heavily next to him and grabbed his cup, draining what was left of it. He signaled the bartender to give him two more drinks, and they just sat there in silence. Finally, Mrs. Hamilton spoke._

_"I'm not mad at you." Aaron's head shot up in surprise. "I was," she continued, "but then I had time to think. I mean, there have been times where I wanted to shoot him myself. I know this has been building up for a while. I just need you to know that while I'm not mad enough to retaliate, I think it'd be best if you steered clear of me and my family for the time being." Burr nodded, and Mrs. Hamilton drained the rest of her drink, then got up and left, leaving Aaron to think about what just happened._

~~~~~~~

Burr couldn't even say that things got better after that, because they didn't. Eight years after he shot Hamilton, he got more of the worst news of his life.

~~~~~~~

_Burr opened his door when he heard the knock._

_"Are you Mr. Burr?" Burr didn't know who this young man was, but the pit in his stomach indicated that whatever he was going to say wouldn't be good._

_"Yes, I am."_

_The young man took a deep breath._

_"We regret to inform you that two weeks ago, the ship that your daughter was on was lost at sea. Your daughter is presumed dead. I'm truly sorry, sir." Burr didn't even react, he just nodded his thanks and closed the door._

_He had been preparing for news like this, how couldn't he, sea travel was very dangerous and more often than not, ships were lost. He just wished it hadn't happened to his daughter._

_Burr isn't even sure why he didn't end his life then and there. It would've been easy. Nobody was left to care, he had either destroyed every friendship he had or everyone had died. Nothing was stopping him. And yet, he couldn't seem to do it._

~~~~~~~~

Now, Burr supposed that he was punishing himself, after all, there's no greater punishment for someone who wants to die than to keep them alive.

Which brings us to now. Burr was on death's door, he was going to die soon. And by the looks of it, he was going to die alone.

The thing is, Burr didn't want to die anymore. He had just started making friends, he had started attempting to fix the damage he had wrought on his reputation and friendship with the Hamiltons. But there was nothing he could do to stop this now.

It was so ironic, every time he had wanted to die, every time he had the chance, something stopped him. And now, now that he didn't want to die, he was powerless to stop it.

Then, the door opened. At first, Burr was confused as to who it was, but when the figure entered into the room, it was unmistakably Mrs. Hamilton. And older, more weathered Mrs. Hamilton, but it was unmistakably her.

She approached Burr's bed and grasped his hand.

"Mrs. Hamilton? What are you doing here?" Burr's voice was giving out, he could barely hear himself.

"I heard you were dying, and nobody should have to die alone, Aaron. And please, call me Eliza, we've been over this." 

"Why?" It was all Burr could manage. His throat wouldn't let any more words get out, but Eliza seemed to understand anyways. 

"Like I told you all those years ago Aaron, I'm not mad. I was irritated, yes. But I wasn't mad at you. You were the first friend my husband made, and I know that he was sorry for not supporting you. And as I said just now, nobody should die alone. No matter what they've done, they deserve to have someone there." Burr just shook his head. Yes, nobody deserved to be alone while they died, nobody but him. He had been horrible, why couldn't she see that?

"Well Aaron, no matter what you say, I'm here now, and I'm not leaving until you're dead." As much as Burr believes he doesn't deserve this, he stops trying to argue. Eliza Hamilton is truly a force to be reckoned with. 

~~~~~~~~~

Eliza sits with Aaron Burr, talking about nothing of importance, until he takes his last breath. She squeezes his hand one more time, and takes a moment to grieve. 

Then, she collects herself, and leaves. After all, she has legacies to protect. 

Even the legacy of the man who killed her husband. Everyone deserves to be known for the good they've done. Eliza firmly believes this. 

So she sets off, already constructing the papers she'd write to protect Aaron Burr's legacy. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> I don't believe in afterlife. So there's no "other side." Fight me.
> 
> Dang this is the longest thing I've ever written.
> 
> I hope I conveyed what Aaron Burr slowly villainizing himself throughout this. The way I see it, when he calls himself Aaron, he means it lightheartedly, innocently. And when he switches to calling himself Burr, I feel like it means he feels like he's not worthy of being an individual anymore. It's kind of weird, but I hope I conveyed at least something similar to that.
> 
> I'm sorry I didn't get to put the "Wait For It" reference in, I really wanted to, but the opportunity never arose.
> 
> I just have so many Burr feels, ok? And I also write this in the course of 3 hours, so sorry if there are grammar mistakes.
> 
> Honestly, I had so much fun writing this (weird, I know), that I'm actually considering writing more of these? Like, one for Hamilton, maybe one for Eliza, maybe one for G.Wash? Idk, leave a comment?
> 
> Comment if you enjoyed? Or yell at me for writing something angsty, idk man.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
